


“Fuck it” – my final thought before making most decisions.

by dexx_ss



Series: *passionately sings the wrong line to a song* [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Song Lyrics, Song: War of hearts (Ruelle), tw alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 01:53:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19820098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dexx_ss/pseuds/dexx_ss
Summary: He misses him.But he is too afraid to admit it.





	“Fuck it” – my final thought before making most decisions.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, hello, how are ya?  
> I'm back from the dead :P  
> Basically had some health issues and shit but all good now :)  
> Here is my little baby!! I LOVED writing this SO MUCH!  
> Hope y'all enjoy! -xx
> 
> PS! Just go and listen to this masterpiece  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX7f1Btk1yM

**Come to me  
** **In the night hours  
** **I will wait for you**

They are broken up. Have been for almost a year. But it would be a lie if either of them would say they haven’t thought about getting back together. And to be honest, after those late-night gigs with too much tequila and other unknown alcohol in Vanessas and Brookes blood makes them end up in each other's rooms. But only in the morning to be woken up to an empty bed.

When the hookups first happened. They ended up fighting the next morning.

-x-

_ “Brock, you can’t do this?” _

_ “What am I doing?” _

_ “Flirt with me and then in the next moment flirt whatever living thing comes your way.” _

_ “Well, fuck, Jose. Maybe you should stop fucking controlling my life.” _

_ “Maybe you should stop fucking everything so you don’t catch anything and MAYBE then I will.” _

_ “Oh, fuck you!” _

_ “Fuck you!”, door slams. _

-x-

The fights were usually nonsense and often even about the smallest of things. For example the color red.

-x-

_ “Red is my color” _

_ “So does that mean I can't wear it?” _

_ “No I didn- stop being so fucking defensive” _

_ “I’m. me defensive? Have you met yourself?” _

_ “What's that supposed to mean??”  _

-x-

So now, they are both smarter. And in the morning after their hookups, they wake up to an empty bed. They have made three unspoken rules. The first rule is that you have to be gone the next morning. And so far they have both been smart enough to follow it.

The second one is that they never leave the gig together(unless it's with a really big group) so fans wouldn’t really suspect anything.    
After yet another gig. Brooke makes it to his hotel room. And starts dedraging. Although he knows tonight Vanessa won’t show up at his room, cause he went out with Silky and A’keria, he still waits. He hopes that maybe he will come knocking on his door. He waits and thinks back to all the moments when they were happy. 

He misses waking up to morning kisses from Jose. 

He misses even their dumb little fights. 

He misses the sight of Vanjie sitting with Henry and Apollo smiling at him. 

He misses him. 

But he is too afraid to admit it. 

**And I can't sleep  
** **'Cause thoughts devour  
** **Thoughts of you consume**

The room is dark. Brooke is just laying on his bed eyes wide open staring at the ceiling. There are some sirens in the distance. Brock closes his eyes but all he sees is Vanessa. So he opens them. Closes them to only again be met with a mental image of Vanessa. He keeps his eyes closed and smiles into nothingness thinking about Jose. “Fuck,” he says into the darkness when he realizes that now all he can think about is Jose. He can’t imagine his future without him. No matter how hard he tries. Jose is always there. Always.

He imagines a cute house in the suburbs. He imagines pets lurking around the house. Imagines a kid or two. Imagines his husband. It's not just any husband- it's Jose. 

It doesn't matter how many different scenarios he comes up with he is always by Brocks side.

Brooke turns himself around and grabs his phone looking at the time. It's 4 AM. Luckily they have a day off tomorrow so he can sleep in. Well, right now he can't sleep at all because one tiny Puerto Rican man has stamped himself in his thoughts. Brooke puts his phone down and decides he's gonna break the third unspoken rule.

-x-

_ “Have you told Silky? A’keria?” _

_ “No. Have you told Nina?” _

_ “No. And Courtney doesn't know either” _

_ “I think it's for the better right now,” _

_ “Yeah.” _

-x-

They decided not to tell their friends. It's not like they are lying but no one has really asked. Silky and A’keria haven't asked because they know how it makes Vanessa feel like someone pushed a knife into his stomach and is now slowly turning it. And Nina doesn't ask because he knows Brock doesn't want to talk about it. 

Brooke gets up from the bed and walks out of his room. He walks to Nina's door and knocks. The realization that it's fuckin 4 AM and Nina is most likely sleeping comes to Brook after he has been standing behind that door for 10 minutes. He knocks one last time and because he can hear a familiar voice, Jose's voice, he quickly starts walking back to his room. He makes his way to the bedroom door and he can’t fucking open it. Jose getting closer and closer. He panics but finally, the keycard decides to work again but it’s too late. “Brock?” Jose says. Brooke just looks on the ground and slowly looks back up. He’s not alone. There is someone next to him. So Brooke decides not to say anything and when his door finally opens he just slips in there. He hears Jose call for him before the door closes. 

He can’t feel jealous. 

V is a grown man.

He shouldn’t feel jealous. 

And he can fuck whoever he wants.

It’s not fair. 

He feels tears in his eyes.

He feels angry. Jealous. Sad. 

There’s a knock on the door. Brock looks at the door and he knows that there is Jose behind it but he doesn't wanna open it. But he still opens it. He doesn't make eye contact with Vanessa who’s standing before him. They just stand there. Brock not looking at Jose and Jose not saying anything. Another tear falls. “Look at me,” Vanessa says. His voice sounds soft but angry. Brooke looks at him. Also angry. They both look angry. Vanessa grabs Brookes face. And Brock can’t help but kiss him. 

**Stay with me  
** **A little longer  
** **I will wait for you**

Jose pulls back from that kiss. “Brock,” he takes a few steps back “I can- You can’t do that and I can’t deal with all this. I- Fuck- Forget it!” Jose brushes his hand through his hair and turns around. “I’ll see you in the morning,” Vanjie says as he walks away. Brooke just stands there. In the doorway. Watching him leave. “Wait,” he finally says something “Come inside let’s just talk, okay.”. Vanessa just nods. 

Talking isn’t something neither of them is good at. Mostly because Brooke has difficulty expressing himself and often seems bitchy. And Vanessa starts to boil easily which makes having a calm conversation with him mildly difficult. 

At first, they just sit there in silence. Vanessa on Brookes bed and Brooke in an armchair next to the window. They haven’t talked like this in such a long time. It's mostly just fucking and gossiping about people or sometimes they watch a movie or two. But just talking about THEM. No. Nope. Mkm. Mostly because they are scared that they will say something that they can’t take back. 

Brooke stands up and sits next to Vanjie. Taking his hand and lacing their fingers. “I just-” Brock starts but is cut off. “Don’t say anything for a minute now,” Jose says sitting so he can look at the Canadian but still keeping their hands together. “See we want different things from this. Have wanted since day one,” he lets out a sigh 

-x-

_ “We can’t go on like this,” Brock says calmly after yelling at each other for few minutes.  _

_ “What?” _

_ “You can’t get jealous every time I flirt with someone in the crowd,”  _

_ Vaness huffs “Yes I can!” _

_ “Don’t you see how fucking toxic that is, Jose?” _

_ “No, what is toxic is the fact that you say you love me and then go out and act like I don’t fucking exist!” _

_ “You can’t put me in a box” _

_ Vanessa is beaming with anger while Brooke is relatively calm. _

_ “Hoe, you are in a RELATIONSHIP!” _

_ Fair point.  _ _  
_ _ “Well, if that’s how it’s like I don’t think I should be,” _

-x-

“What you want is someone you know you can go to when you have needs. Someone who would hug you, kiss you, fuck you without a second thought. And I am easily that person. Fuck. Mostly because I have no self-control. But secondly, because I love you. And I can’t help myself.”. Now Jose let go of Brookes’ hand and stood up. Brock started to say something but Vanessa raised his hand to shush him. “I am so easily that person that I will send home any trade that I could fuck. Why? Well, cause I’m a fucking mess-”, “What do you want then?” Brock finally cut him off. Jose looked at him and then at the ceiling so his tears wouldn’t fall. “How do you not fucking get it? I want you, you fucking asshole.”, 

“But you have me,”,

“No, what I have is a fucking sex toy,”

Brooke didn’t really know what to say to that. He just looked out of the window. “This stops now!” Jose says once more before leaving Brocks room. But he wishes he wouldn’t leave. He wants him to stay. Just a little longer. So he could say what’s in his heart. But maybe that's for the better. 

**Shadows creep  
** **And want grows stronger  
** **Deeper than the truth**

It has been a few months now. Luckily. Or sadly. They haven’t seen each other for quite some time. Brooke has truly been trying to not think about it. About them. About him. But he can’t help it. The thoughts of the tiny Puerto Rican creep up every day. Most nights Brock can’t sleep so he sits in his hotel balcony or wherever and listens to the sound of the city and wonders what Jose is doing. He scrolls through his Instagram tags and often sees V there. He looks happy. He sees few older posts of them on drag race and touring together. He misses him. And fucking random people hasn’t really helped him either but only made him miss Jose more. He doesn't want anyone but him. He decides he will drink his sorrows away. As he is getting ready to leave the room he gets a phone call from Nina. 

“Hey, Brooke Lynn!”

“Hi Andrew, what's up?”

“So I heard that we be in the same town and wanted to know if you want to go out for a drink?”

He’s a fucking angel.

“Yes! Yes please!”

They meet up at a bar quite close to Brookes’ hotel. They drink and chat about their gigs and upcoming tours. Nina knows Brooke for quite some time so he immediately notices that Brooke is acting a little different. 

For example, every time they go out for drinks they jokingly search for trades that later they gonna “take home” but not this time. Secondly, Brock is always flirty with the barmen and with cute fans who notice them. But not tonight. Tonight he is just being friendly. 

“Are you seeing someone,” Nina finally asks. “Me?”, “No, not you, that one dude who just passed us, figured I only live once so I’d make a move. Yeah, you!” Nina said sarcastically. “No,” Brock said with a surprised look “why?”. “Well you acting different, does it maybe has something to do with Vanjie?”, “Wha- Nin- What do you mean?”. Nina let out a laugh “I might be a little childish but I’m definitely not a child.”. B just shot a puzzled look his way. “I know you two been fucking,”, “What the h- how?”. Nina raised his brows “You seriously asking me that?” Brooke just nodded “Well firstly it’s funny how he was sick and then you got sick quickly afterward”, “But that’s a huge ass assumption”, “Also our hotel rooms were often on the same floor and sometimes you were quite loud,” Nina said with a laugh. Brooke turned into a full tomato but the redness with a slight smile was as quick to fade as it was to come. “Not to burst your little bubble but we haven’t, for a few months now.”. Nina took Brookes hand and gave him the wanna talk about it look. Brooke just nodded. 

-x-

_ “We have been fighting a little,” _

_ Brooke gave Nina a look. _

_ “What’s with your face?” _

_ “Do you wanna talk about it?” _

_ “I don-” _

_ “Yes you do, we gonna go to 7/11 pick up some ice-cream eat it and you are gonna pour your fucking heart out” _

_ “Okay,” Nina said with a smile cause he knew there was no arguing with Brooke. _

_ Since that night every time they gave each other that look. They get up. Get some ice cream. And just talk. _

-x-

So they got up went to first 7/11 got themselves some ice cream and headed to Brookes’ hotel. All this way they talked about anything than that. But as soon as they got to the hotel room Nina sat on the bed with the ice cream “Spill it,” he said excitedly. But before Brooke could say anything he burst into tears. “I miss him so fucking much, Nina,” he said taking a seat on the bed while wiping his tears away. “Like I can’t stop thinking about him,” he continued. 

Brock gave a quick overview of everything since they officially broke up. “You know I love you Brock, but you need to make up your mind,” Nina finally said, “Do you want him or do you just need to move on.”. 

Silence. 

Brooke just looked into nothingness. 

Minute went by.

Two minutes.

Five.

Ten.

“I want him!”

**I can't help but love you  
** **Even though I try not to  
** **I can't help but want you  
** **I know that I'd die without you**

To get Jose back, Brock knew he had to do something crazy romantic. Something out of a movie or a book. Something insane. But something she wouldn’t suspect. So when the idea popped into his head he decided to call Nina. “It’s like 3 am, is everything okay?” Nina's sleepy voice answered the phone. “I’m gonna propose,” Brooke said excitedly. 

“Okay, you have completely lost your mind now,”

“No, I haven’t. I-”

“You can’t ask a person to marry you if ya even aren’t together, that’s CRAZY!”

“Well obviously I’m gonna get back together with him and then ask, but do you even wanna hear my idea or you gonna keep telling me how crazy I am?”

Brock talked, Andrew listened. He told him how it’s going to be everything that Jose would want in a proposal. It’s going to involve everything that he loves in life, from his favorite flower to his favorite people. How it’s gonna be intimate. It was crazy but romantic, crazy but sweet, CRAZY but if it wasn't mentioned before it was completely crazy.

“I have to give it to you, that’s quite clever BUT it’s still completely insane Brock”

“I know, but,”

“Honey, baby steps. Do I think you and Jose will get back together? Yeah, sure, cause I ship y’all to the moon and back, but marriage is something else. Maybe he eve-’

”Nina! Love you but now if you’ll excuse me I have a man to win over.”

He knew Andrew was right but right now he was too high on excitement to care.

He had a perfect date for them planned to win Jose back. Although Jose didn’t really know it was gonna be a date. They will have some ice creams and walk around the park-like they are fifteen. Then they were gonna go on a boat ride because of “Notebook”. And then Brooke will pour her heart out.

Everything was perfect. 

Except for the fact 

that 

Vanessa 

did 

not

know

it 

was

a 

date. 

Brooke was waiting for Vanjie and at the same time was nervously texting Nina. “Brooke Lynn” someone suddenly said. It was no other than the most gorgeous Purto Rican man Brock has ever seen. They hugged and said hi and then it all started to fall apart. “So I hope ya ain't mad cause I asked Monét to tag along,” Jose said. Brooke took his eyes off Vanjie now and saw Monét walking towards them smiling. “Hi,” Kevin waved at them “Vanjie you ran away so fast I was scared you gonna ditch me.”. Vanjie just laughed. Brooke tried her best to not act cold because her plans were now a little messed up. For a second he thought about texting Nina and asking him to deal with Monét but he felt wrong doing that. Instead, they decided collectively to go drinking at a bar. Which clearly was a mistake. Because drunk Branjie will end up fucking each other. And Brooke knew that yet he kept buying those god damn tequila shots.

Most of the night Brooke just stared at Vanessa. Like he was the only person in that bar. Monét was quick to notice that. Not that it was hard to miss because most of the time when Monét tried to have a conversation with B, he was too distracted looking at V. At some point, Jose went to the bathroom and Monét didn’t wait a second. “Oh my god you are so in love with him,” he said placing his drink on the table with a loud bang. Brock just looked at him confused “I- Wha- well,” he didn’t know what to say really. “That’s why you were so disappointed seeing me because you wanted some alone time, why didn’t you just say so?” Mont went on and Brock just shrugged. “I did not- but like, what if he doesn't want me back, ”, “If you don’t ask you’ll never find out tho,” Brooke just smiled and nodded. Monét asked a few more questions about what was Brookes plan and so. “Aww you aren’t just a stonecold bitch,” Kevin said “You kinda romantic too.”, “Who romantic?” Vanjies voice echoed. He had made his way back to the table. “Nobody,” Monét said with quickly “so umm turns out I have a thing and hate to leave y’all but gotta go.” he continued. Vanessa looked confused while hugging him goodbye. Monét gave Brock a wink and waved them goodbye.

**I can't help but be wrong in the dark  
** **'Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts  
** **I can't help but want oceans to part  
** **'Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts**

Now it was just the two of them. And now Brock felt hella nervous. “Shots?” he asked not waiting for Jose to answer and already making his way to the bar. He knew this was a bad idea. Yet still. 

They drank those shots. 

Went dancing. 

Took more shots. 

Danced. 

Shots. 

Dancing.

And then V tapped out. “Okay, I’m not gonna have any more,” he said softly. “PUSSY,” Brock said to Jose. It clearly took him by surprise. “And I think you shouldn’t too,” he said with a laugh. “I’m so, so sorrry,” Brooke slurred out. Taking Jose's face on his hands. “You beautiful,” he said looking into Vanessas eyes. “Okay,” Vanessa said shaking his head and removing Brookes' hands “We gonna go now,”. They walked out of the club. Well, you really couldn’t call it that because Brooke was bearly standing up.

Brock woke up to a killer headache. And a warm body next to him. The last thing he remembers is Monét leaving him and Jose alone. And that’s it. Shit. He didn’t want to open his eyes because he was afraid of who is next to him. “You still snore like a fucking moose,” a raspy voice said. A familiar voice. Jose's voice. Brooke immediately opened his eyes now and quickly sat up. Ignoring the killer pain in his head. Jose also sat up. “You alright?” he asked looking around confused. Brooke looked at Vanessa “I can’t remember shit,” B said with horror in his eyes. “Well, Mary, that’s why you need to stop drinking at some point,” Vanjie said with a laugh. But Brock didn't find it funny at all. Vanessa grabbed his chin and made Brooke look at him. “Basically, you asked me to marry you,” Brookes' eyes widened and his mouth fell open “and I said no-”, ”I did what! I'm sorry,”, ”-t yet. Bitch, you gotta lemme finish!” Vanjie said and B just gave him even more confused look. “And then you started all apologizing and crying and we agreed to finish the conversation in the morning,” V said smiling. Brooke hid his face in his hands. “Sorry,” he said “but I’m still insanely in love with you. I miss you. And I don’t wanna be with anyone else but you.” Brock said.   
“Okay, but how can I be sure that this time I don’t put you in a box?” V said mockingly.

“I don’t know,”

“How can I be sure that you don’t start flirting with everyone while you haven’t seen me in a while?”

“Well you ca- Jesus, Jose, I literally asked you to marry me yesterday,” Brooke said softly.

“Yeah but-”

“I know how hard the breakup was and I didn’t mean to hurt you, that’s why we ended it so early.”

“Oh, you didn’t mean to hurt me? Cool. Cool. But ya know what, Mary? It still fucking hurts.” Jose said surprisingly softly.

“I’m so sorry,” Brooke said because that’s all he could really say. Silence fell. Neither of them said anything for a few minutes.

“I want to be with you, hell even marry you,” Jose said, “But not now.”. 

Those were his last words because then he got up and took his things and walked out. Leaving Brooke on the bed. Not now? NOT NOW? Bitch! When then. Brooke also got up from the bed and quickly threw on some sweats and ran after Vanessa.

-x-

_ “So, what is a romantic act then?” _

_ “Well, for example, the simplest one- going after the one you love” _

_ Brock raised his eyebrows “For me, that sounds like just being needy,” _

-x-

When Brooke got down the stairs he could spot Vanessa immediately. He was outside waiting for his ride probably.    
“HEY,” Brooke said kinda angrily making Jose jump “don’t you dare leave me!”.    
Brock got to him and pulled him into a kiss. It didn’t feel like just a kiss. It felt more than that. It felt like a promise. When they broke that kiss up Jose just smiled “Look who’s being needy,”, “It’s called being romantic, bitch”.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyways.... because I loved writing this so much there is probably gonna be more fics like this.  
> So feel free to leave some song or ship recommendations  
> And also, thoughts? -xx


End file.
